Creative ways to ask a girl on a date

Posted in Borges by Mike Stay on 2010 March 8

In Utah, it is expected that high-school students and undergraduates will come up with extravagant ways, often including horrible puns, to ask a girl out on a date and to reply to such an invitation. My cousin’s family, having just moved there, asked on the family list for ideas. My response:

My date read the “police beat” religiously, so I got Umberto Eco to write a story about a detective on the BYU campus police force who believes that two crimes (involving the vandalism of FARMS researchers’ webpages with screeds linking kabbalah to quantum field theory) are related even though, in fact, they are not. The detective was responsible for a student’s conviction of violating the Honor Code and eventual expulsion. The student learns of the detective’s interest and begins to commit crimes that fit the imagined pattern; the detective predicts where the final crime will be committed and stakes out the place, but because the student was expecting him, he is captured by the student and his friends and forced to wear U of U paraphernalia.

I had it published pseudonymously in the Daily Herald, and then used my network of friends to commit 137 minor crimes across campus for the next six months prior to the dance that spelled out “[Name], will you go to the dance with me?” I waited at the place where the point of the question mark would be, but she never showed up.

She did, however, wire my brakes to my horn and leave a sheet with a big “YES” painted on it under the hood. This would have been amusing had the new wiring not caused electrical arcing. The sheet caught fire, which caught other things on fire, which eventually burned out the interior of the car. It wasn’t too much of a loss, though, because it was a 1973 Honda Civic that I’d bought from a graduating senior for $200.

Anyway, neither of us wanted to dance all that much in the first place, so we went down to the underground laser lab where my roommate worked and then explored the steam tunnels.


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